Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
