well I can't set my house on fire every night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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