So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
