she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
