nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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