I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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