Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
