I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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