My balls are so social today.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
