Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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