Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize