It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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