Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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