if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
