is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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