Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize