That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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