I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
