I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
