Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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