also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
