just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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