Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
