i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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