Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize