Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
