Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
