Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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