I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I would fuck him just for his dog
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
