We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
