I can tuck mytits in my pants
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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