she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
