Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
