I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
