I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
there's paper in my vomit.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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