Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
