I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
