we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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