Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
