I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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