a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
