last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
