there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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