I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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