Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
