So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
