You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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