Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
