you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
