you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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