wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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