i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
