The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think I sprained my soul last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
