i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
