why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
