Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
