You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
