you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
