Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
