if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
