Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
