She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize