So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
