Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
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