i just wanna soil my oats bro
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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