you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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