Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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