I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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